I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

because, finally, after a whole semester with no jdorama (except for my nth replies of gokusen and hyd), i already have the time to finish the last episode of hana kimi and bambino but to my dismay… walang flash sa pc na to!!!! darn. and i thought of changing pc’s anyway pero kakatamad na rin. so there. maybe next time na lang ulit. i have a long list of jdrama to watch pa. and i don’t even know if i’ll still have the time to watch all of them… just because…

and i remember what jerry asked me before "bat mo pa icocontinue ang mse if hindi mo rin siya gagamitin?" actually, it just sank in me like two nights ago. so maybe i might not. i’m just waiting for that hitachi scholarship. though really, am i gonna spend/waste another year when all i really want to happen and is take an MS ES here in ADMU for another year and pursue a PhD in Environmental Engg after?

my laptop broke down just in time. when i was already done with my thesis. great. ayaw niya mag-open ng files. damnit.

never felt this sucky. just when you thought things are starting to go their way, all of a sudden someone walks up to you and makes you realize that everything’s far from being okay. and there’s even the danger that the only thing you’ve been afraid of for the past months is is possibly gonna happen. i know i’ve been doing denying very well. ignoring the realities that i would not to live with. maybe even up to now. fine, it’s starting to sink in and i might even be admitting it not jsut to myself but to someone. it really takes courage for me to admit to someone that i am hurt, that i am worried that i am scared. i’m jsut waiting for kristian to reply. but looks like he’s not gonna reply anyway. the hell. this sucky feeling makes me wanna throw up literally. just realized sucking every negative thing up would actually make you throw up. i swear i never felt this way before. just want to drop in my bed and sleep until… like… forever. no, i’m not yet suicidal. but right now, it seems like i’m already dying. and if dying’s really gonna end this all, then let this end na. but the heck. i still want to graduate more than anything else.

i really did not expect justin(e) see and mike to worry about my thesis. or maybe i should say to worry for me. well… seriously… everybody already expressed their worry. well, everybody includes david and jerome. and i must admit that it really gets in my nerve if they bug me about that. i mean, it’s not like i’m not worried about it all. and even more, it’s not that i am  not doing anything about it. i mean fine, i really appreciate it pero there’s just something in me that really  makes me feel uncomfortable everytime people think i’m so kawawa. no. or maybe, it appears to me that they think that i’m so irresponsible, that they rally have to  strangle me  para lang matauhan. oh well. the heck, i know everyhting’s gonna be okay. i’ve promised that to myself. i should know better. but really, even if i’m so pissed off, i really appreciate them. thanks, guys!

and yah…  i wonder how long can i wait this time. because really… the want and the longing just grows deeper and deeper everyday that it really sucks now. sucking up my insides and starting to eat the whole of me. no. i’m just exaggerating. but somehow it really feels like that. not to worry though. i have all my strength used up in worrying about my thesis. and acads.

and somehow, there’s little tampo because mom won’t stay here in manila even if she’s going to legazpi. i mean, i understand naman that limited lang leave pero kahit over night lang??? i jsut miss them lang. that’s all.

after almost five years… haaay, harry. that’s all i got to say. no. actually there is a lot to say. or maybe to feel? but the heck, why fuss over something that has already ended four years ago?  and do i even need to remind myself that he was  the one stopped the communication, so why be bothered when he didn’t come up to me jsut to even say hi? wala lang. just didn’t realize that i still had to cry a tear. or maybe force myself to cry just to remind me once again that it has been over way way back.

hana yori dango 2 in gma!!!! haha. i didn’t know thay they aired season 1 na pala last summer. so season 2 na lang. ok lang, i liked season 2 better anyway. haha. basta. i was doing some unpacking when i heard from the tv the background msuic of hyd and i really started shrieking… shet shet talaga. i mean fine i ahve watched it like more than 5 times already pero wala lang. i still feel excited and jsut hearing a part of the music makes me feel kilig still!!! haha. and yah, hana yori dango the movie soon. they’re actually shooting now. it will be for two months. and the movie will be out by summer 2008 in japan. although it really isn’t gonna be shown here in the cinmeas. the heck, that’s the reason why we have net and piracy anyway… tsukushi and tsukasa once again. hehe. mao inoue and jun matsumoto again and matsujun again!!!! oh yah, and i still ahven’t watched the last ep of bambino and even hana kimi. super busy na talaga eh. maybe in march. oh, nad i’m actually watching coffe prince in gma now. the story is pretty much like hana kimi where teh girl pretends to be a guy.  but i didn’t like the  girl in princess hours. for one, she’s not cute. but i learned to like her na in coffee prince. though much of the reason is the guy who is super hot. haay. fine, enough of jdorama and koreanovela.

ok… done with philo orals. done with statmech homework. so have to do tehsis-ing na. and qm homework one problem a night and statmech exam on tuesday and theo quiz tomorrow and polymers term paper by the start of february. okay. just a list of the necessary things to do. of course thesis makes it to the top of the list talaga. so after i’m done blogging and have lunch. start na ok? ok.

it’s alredy 2008 and nothing much has changed. well, it has only been the first week. and not taht i am looking for changes actually. i don’t know now if i used to like changes or not. so it shouldn’t really matter anyway. what’s bothering me the msot is… i only have 7 more weeks. it’s supposed to be yay but no, the downside is… teh heck 7 more weeks for me to finish thesis. with the hard copy adn presentation and all. and until now i ahven’t really done anything that is of use to it. i mean, i can’t even find in the net something about RS 646-460. or maybe i don’t even know what i am looking for. mickey shouldn’t ahve left. argh! well enough of rantings. enough of useless work. and i should try to finish everything as soon as possible. so maybe after my orals later (and thanks to katy for the group study last night and mike for the clarifications earlier) i should really get going. suck it up na lang even if ir eally do not want what i am doing now. i ahve to agree with kristian. sometiems sucking up is really the only means for survival.

oh yah, and i have seriously considered not taking my second degree anymore. haha. and i have to remind myself of the reasons i have, or used to have, for staying one more year.  one,  physics isn’t enough for me and i ahven’t really made the most out of it so mse has to be the… pambawi. but now that i am taking polymers…. ghad. it makes me think of not going through any mse subject anymore, just like waht david feels right now. second, it’s too late to announce toe veryone concerned that i won’t continue mse. and thirdly, and also the one that has the most weight, i don’t want to leave ateneo as an undergrad without having experienced championship in men’s basketball. and tell you, when i thought of not pursuing mse, i totally disregarded my first and even teh third reason! i was that serious. oh well, ahve to suck it up again for one year. but i don’t know. i just hope the experience wouldn’t be as bad as now. and for now what really matters is thesis!!!

and yah… him… maybe i should bother about him on amrch na lang. when i’m done with acads.   but i would still want to talk about it… haha. no next time, if there’s still something to talk about. i’m setting it aside na lang muna and have my subconscious do the thing. dream of him na lnag in my sleep.

it has been a while. and there had been too many happenings that need to be written yet doing so would take up so much time. maybe simply enumerating the highlights would be enough.

fine, let’s start with not making it to the finals. which really hurt. and la salle winning the championship which actually hurt even more (and i think i haven’t told ina that i really did not want them to win). well fine, i have to be over that.

next would be the ym’s with eric which did not last so long. waaah.

then not doing well in qm exams which actually leads to… yes. i need not say it. haaay. thanks to omar for blurting it out when all i reall wanted is to postpone knowing that fact. well. yun na yun eh. have to tell them by tomorrow. and yes, as much as i hate to admit it, i have to have la salle as an inspiration. from suspension to champion. well, it’s not that i’m suspended and that i’m in some form a competition. not at all. well, you get the analogy. i hope. one more chance please…

yah, and no matter what… i never get tired of watching hana yori dnago, meteor garden and full house over and over again. that’s it.

and i so loooove citrus! hahaha

i wish i did not have to go back here in manila so soon. i miss them already. less than 60 days to go.

i guess i now understand why earl is (or was) obsessed wit anything japanese. and i think it’s a cool idea that omar is taking a minor in japanese (and chinese). i am not so sure though if the reason that they have for being into it is similar to mine. well, i think am only addicted to japanese pop culture lately. jpop, dorama, hana yori dango, matsumoto jun and  i’m planning to watch game liar (or was it liar game)
and gokusen. i even regret that i took spanish as my FLC rather than japanese. well because back then… i’d rather not state my reason here. it’s evil. anyway, and instead of wanting to go to spain after graduation now i want to go japan. and i’m even considering the fact that maybe i should take my phd in japan and not in us nor europe nor australia.

oh well.  maybe this is just a phase that i will soon pass. but ever since i am done watching HYD (as in the first time i watched because i’m watching it again now) i stopped texting him. oh yes, i was done with it wednesday early morning. and since then i haven’t texted him a personal message yet. (well, i forwarded a joke earlier to a lot of people including him. but that does not count.) i think i am in love with someone else right now. haha. and as i’ve said before, living in fantasies makes me more sane, makes me able to feel more. so i guess i’m okay this way. i am much more okay this way.

oh, i lost interest in uaap. fine. maybe the last game i’ll watch for this season will be the second game vs la salle. unless, we make it to the finals. HYD really did bring me a sudden change of heart. he really did change my heart. although i think that there is a big possibility that i’ll get bored this weekend (if i can’t buy gokusen dvd) and i might end up texting him again. haaaayyy.

whatever. hello, thesis!

somehow i ended blogging here in rsf. just minutes ago i wanted badly to go back to the dorm and cry. but then i thought it would be better to blog about this anyway.

i don’t know if i should blame carina for lending me her hana yori dango dvd or what. for somehow allowing me to live AGAIN in a world that is totally out of here. well, the truth is, i don’t even know what the heck am i trying to write here.

it’s just that i think, living in a world that i created makes a lot more sense than trying very hard to catch up with every reality. i guess i am more capable of more emotions there than here. come to think of it, the last time i probably cried was when my sister got married. and that was what? four months ago. that is very unusual of me since i used to cry whenever i feel like it. and guess what, i actually cried yesterday and earlier. i mean, i’ve been forcing myself to cry for so long. and i know it totally sucks to cry over some japanese drama which is actually just a japanese version of a taiwanese drama that i have watched thrice already (and cried also thrice).

maybe i should have just gone back to the dorm to genuinely cry over a reality than to rant about it in net. i’m not even sure if i should write it here because che might actually get mad when she knows that i chose to attend a meeting that he called and cancel our acupuncture session. so there. sorry che. i do not even know why i got so totally hyped up with that meeting even if i purposely came in late (well, honestly i was just 4 minutes late) because i just can’t stop watching HYD. maybe i  should have arrived even a lot later. but what the heck. i didn’t want to arrive their alone so i decided to go to the vacuum coating lab first and wait for jerome. so we were actually late. the heck. he was just there in the other room. and when jerome and i went there, okay. so he said that  he’ll just email everything. that was it. i do not really get it why i really wanted to be in that meeting. well in the first place, what the hell am i doing in his committee anyway? maybe sticking with programs alone was better. and i’m really surprised right now that that stupid and trivial incident nearly brought me to tears.

i think i just have this strong need to escape from every real thing around me. and i do not even know why i just hate being stuck in here. i need to escape from him. from qm. from thesis. from david and jerome fighting AGAIN. from all the pain and worry and confusion that make me so numb. and maybe even dumb. and maybe ina really did help me escape. well i guess i don’t want to go back to the dorm now. i would be tempted to continue watching HYD and i am only 3 episodes (or even less) away from the ending. well, i do not want it to end though. i would not want to be slapped with reality again. well, the heck, i can watch it again and again and cry over it again and again. i guess i’m really good at escaping or even denying.

i think it was david who said before that tv shows only provide the viewers an escape from  the reality. what’s wrong with escaping anyway? if that’s the only thing that makes one… well, sane. if that’s the only thing that makes me feel without any confusion. if, really, that’s the only thing that could make me cry right now. when i really need to cry.

i do not think that i’m making any sense.

well i guess my point is, i just don’t want to be done watching it yet because i just do not want this to be over. because if i’d be thrown back to reality, i do not know where should i start again.

six straight days of no classes. immersion got cancelled just when i was all emotionally prepared for it.

watched two movies (in a movie house) for the first time. with carmee and barbie. wednesday pm. a love story (talagang sa opening day pa) and ouija. ahaha. no, i won’t be a spoiler. and ouija really scared the hell out of me. more than the ring did. talbog na sukob and feng shui. ahah. found a hard time sleeping again after waking up at 3am and found out that barbie and carmee haven’t returned yet from their inuman sessions. oh yes, ange’s presence did not help. she has a twin sister. barbie had to remind me that. and yes, i only got to go to sleep when they returned.

thursday: went to mega with barbie, ina and efren. ina bought her eyeglasses. and i liked it. though it costs more than 4000. eheh. ate at auntie anne’s with fren. yes, we were supposed to talk. but forgot to tell him that the place is not for talking. no chairs. so we ended up eating. lang. with small talks. i missed che. hehe. reminds me of uaap games at ultra. auntie anne’s pretzels were our baon. got a call from nicole that immersion is cancelled. ina went to the dorm with us. slept there. and she’s still here. efren’s coming over tomorrow. oh, and my cousin told me na sila na ni lovely.

friday: buti na lang talaga bumagyo or else i would have cursed the suspension of our immersion. and classes na rin. woke up around 11am. jobee’s (which according to jampi wala daw sa dorm si joby. huh?) and kfc’s and ken afford’s lines were busy. only to find out taht iso caf was open. okay, ate lunch there. text text. slept. woke up around 530. dinner time! yes, hindi na busy ang jobee. read theo! omg! look, what egay did to me. rained really really hard. i was foirced to close my windiws. i’ll open them later. slept.

today: woke up to eat lunch. went to kfc. grocery. slept. watched sukob with barbie. had crazy moments with her. ate dinner at jobee. again. here in the internet cafe with ina.

tomororow: fren’s gonna be here!

monday: still no class.

tuesday: okay, back to normal na…

hmm… texted a lot. registered to unli for five days. texted him a lot. well, relative to before. he replies din naman. though not often. haaay. but i’m okay this way. anyway, kristian told me i’ll surely get fat after the six days. i guess i’m expecting that. sooooo looovveee sleeping. i miss tian. : )

and i thought of force feeding citrus with popcorn even if he’s only a month old. haha.

i guess i’ll read philo radings later. and also tcm readings. if only i can work on my thesis right now. well, i’ll jsut worry about it later. and qm. we won’t ahve any problem-solving sessions in the next two mondays so i won’t start solving yet. maybe later.   

well, great. that should be our last loss or else getting in the championships or even in the final four would be a miracle worthy of Vatican’s recognition (no, i am not being balsphemous here). but who knows? i believe in miracles. there are miracles (yes, i am not a fan of nora aunor.). well my point is, having 4 losses in the beginning of the second round is so not appealing. it’s more of appalling. welll i don’t wnat to blame the players for this. or maybe i do becasue aside from them, no one should actually be blamed. not the coaching staff becasue i love coach norman more than them adn definitely not the other team because it was just their duty to beat us no matter what. oh well, i am not losing hope. we should refuse to lose one more game or else i won’t have efren, che and i won’t have the chance to do some scalping to fund our shopping. haha. well, we’ll do that on the second game against la salle.
go ateneo pa rin! one big fight! and i still have faith in ken. like waht i had for ford last year. haha. : ) kita mo naman, career kung career talaga si ford.

oh well, no thesis meeting today. and in the next two mondays. weehee! problem solving went okay earlier since jerome decided to answer 2.10 and leave 2.17 for me. sorry na lang si pao. i came in earlier. keeping my fingers-crossed na lang talaga that it will do all the "bawi" for my expected F in the first long exam.

no more worries for this week. except for thesis. again. i really should start working. career na talaga kung career. oh yah, and the quiz on  5 elements,  6  evils, 7 emotions, 5 flavors tomorrow.

quoting ms jovie earlier "what’s wrong with not knowing?" makes me think. i should answer that to philosophy’s fundamental question "how do we know that we know?"

well yah, what’s wrong with not knowing?

for now, i should refuse to fail. we should refuse to lose. oh and i remember what gloria diaz (was it raelly her?) said "hindi sa gusto kung manalo, ayaw ko lang matalo." you go, girl! hmmmm… unleashing the beauty queen in me.

so much for all the pep talk.